Bellicose man throws Golden Globes viewing party

...just sayin.

Bellicose man brought up on charges for false 911 calls

Barney Nubbydigits from the West Side of Bellicose Junction has landed himself in hot water.

Nubbydigits placed seven calls within one week to 911 stating that he found the missing teen Natalee Holloway.

Officials told this website that originally, police went to his delapidated home on January 7 after he phoned 911 saying he found the missing girl. It turned out, cops said, that a box was delivered to his home with the emblem "Holloway Printers." It turned out that Mr. Nubbydigits ordered himself a printer online from a company named Holloway.

Only a few hours later, the same man made yet another call stating he 'really found' her this time. When police arrived--hours after their first trip--it was because Nubbydigits found a "holiday" station on his XM radio.

The final straw came last night when Nubbydigits made a 911 call stating that just saw Natalee Holloway in his home and that she signed a paper. When Bellicose officer Bastion Robbins arrived at Nubbydigits abode, it turned out that Nubbydigits invited Phillies star Roy Halladay to his home for dinner, and Halladay instead sent an autograph.

Cops searching for Pigface

Bellicose Junction police officers are searching the town tonight for Ebeneezer Pigface after he robbed the popular town pawn shop the Tampawn.

Cops say that Pigface entered the Tampawn around 7:30 this evening asking shopkeepers to tell him a rhyme. After they failed to pleasure Pigface with an adequate ditty, he pulled out a frozen hamsteak from his coat pocket and ran off with a bag of cash.

Police spokesman Christian Atheist told this website that they have surveillance evidence of Pigface's hamsteak caper.

No comment on how much loot Pigface oinked away with.

Bellicose man enjoys screensavers

Edwin Winklefish got a pop up ad on his computer a few weeks ago, and ever since his life was changed.

This website spoke to him after his story appeared in the Daily Trouble newspaper.

Winklefish said he was looking at a website, and while he didn't name it, he said it was one he frequents it quite a bit. Almost every day. Sometimes, he said, twice.

A screensaver ad popped up. After he downloaded the web-snooping technology to his hard drive, he now enjoys a scenery screensaver whenever he lets his computer idle for over 2 minutes.

"I just found out I can change the settings on my screensaver," Winklefish told this website. "I think I may lower my requirements and let me screensaver come up after 1 minute."

He finished, "I really like screensavers."

Bellicosian man strikes it rich, plans to buy 25 'smart boards'

Bellicose Junction's Gasbomb neighborhood resident Nelson McHarpo is a rich man today. But he never knew it would happen.

While shopping last night at Texaco Gasbomb gas station, he purchased 4 scratch off lottery tickets. And now McHarpo is a wealthy man.

He total victory is worth $15,000.

McHarpo has been without a job since 1978, and has lived on LlaFoodStamps, saving what he could, and working from time to time under the table at Sully's Bar.

And with that being said, some are raising eyebrows at what McHarpo plans to do.

This website spoke to him tonight about his plans.

"I want to buy smart boards," he said. "I really like how you can draw on your computer, and what you draw will come up on a smart board. I really like smart boards."

But what about food? New shelter? New clothes?

"No, smart boards. I think smart boards are the future. You know," he continued, "I look at my crystal ball, and I don't have one, but I look at one, or I think of one I am looking at in my pretend thoughts, and I see smart boards. I think even governors will use them, maybe the United Nations can present meeting notes on them in a Power Point slideshow. Either way, the future will be shown .. on a smart board."

McHarpo hasn't cashed in his tickets just yet. He said he wanted to make sure, before getting his winnings, that the smart boards were available.

"I haven't seen smart boards for sale in Bellicose Junction, so I am broadening my search. If anyone knows where I can get them, please let me know." He requested we print his request.

What will McHarpo do if he doesn't find his treasure trove of smart boards?

"I don't think I'd even cash in my tickets. It would not be worth it to me if I can't find my smart boards."

Lost and found

Fourteen sticks have been found next to the Bellicose Septic System building on Bulldyke Street.

The sticks were found spelling out the world "find my owner."

If you would like to claim the items, you can contact Office Crispen Blubbar at the Bellicose Junction police, Special Large Unit and Other Interesting Items and Things Inspection unit.

Annual Raise the Roof Parade held

The 88th Annual Raise the Roof parade was held in Bellicose Junction this afternoon. Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared on a float on the parade stating "I am going to pump you up." And "asta la vista baby." And a number of other statements few had any ability to coherently understand.

The Mayor's office released a statement late today that "no one invited him" and "I'm not sure how he even got here."

Town comes to life at Pudding Launch

By Herman "The Helmut" Helium

It may be cold outside, but the annual January Tapioca Pudding Launch goes on, in rain and cold or dark of night.

The launch has been a family even for over fifty years.

Townpersons attempt to make boats, or any type of container, out of thickened tapioca pudding and float on it down the Llama's River.

As the old tale went, a town founder named Ernest Buttleswad was the first to float down Llama's River in a boat made from pudding. At that time the setting was different than today's lighthearted fun. Buttleswad was attempting an escape from a cave filled with rabid apes mating with sea lions, and the only thing he was able to do was mix together instant pudding mix with milk and water. As legend has it, the river's current took him to Bigot's Peak where he was able to dock what was left of his pudding paddles and boat. That is why today children are urged to create pudding boats and see if they can, as Buttleswad did so many years ago, get to Bigot's Peak without tragic disaster or rip currents taking them further down into the dangerous Sterilization Stream. Some families have even kept the tradition of purchasing rabid apes and locking their children in a room with them, leaving only a vat of milk and a large packet of instant tapioca pudding mix.

This year's launch drew a crowd of 21 people.

Along with the launch is a craft fair in which Greece's government bonds are given as prizes for the best pair of straw underpants. A dinner of LlaMeat is also served to the contestants of the boat launch.

Another annual tradition continued with Mama Llama telling children of old tales of Bellicose history.

Also on hand, Bellicose Junction mascot 'Clean Jean Oakerland' to give parents and children a much needed lesson on how to properly clean hair. A recent spate of head lice has paralyzed parts of the town.

To all who were there, we were happy to see you. And sorry to little Jane Merange, who was taken by the current to a nearby town where she is being raised by sheep. A search team is on the way to find you!

Mr. Helium is a volunteer with the annual pudding launch and resides in the Nippletucks village of Bellicose Junction

No injuries reported in brass testicle accident

A Bellicose Junction man found himself on the wrong side of a pair of testicles the weekend.

Francis Fennypak was walking along 4th St by Obnoxious Lake when a truck driven by Clyde Bartholomew dropped its pair of low hanging brass testicles attached to the bumper. The truck's driver didn't realize the vehicles appendages fell due to a large Confederate flag draped across the back window.

Cops say that Fennypak would have been injured, but luckily was wearing a protective radioactivity-preventative shirt.

When asked if the brass testicles were radioactive, cops said 'no,' but also reminded Bellicosians that the LlaRadioactivity company's gear could make all dangerous situations safer.

Mayor's first "Tweets" goes awry

Mayor Poppy Largent this weekend offered up his first "tweet" on Twitter. Mr. Largent tyed, "I'm teeting" ..

Offense was taken.

The local chapter of NOW, the Natural Organization of Wildebeests, said they were offended at "teeting." The Wildebeest community has been known to have a past history of being overly milked by conquesters from the Red Sea.

Mr. Largent tried to temper the tempest. After the original tweet stating the eroneous spelling error, the Mayor followed it up with, "My hos are busty and fun." The Mayor had to immediately issue a statement saying the Mayor meant to say "my toes are combustible and weigh a ton."

The Mayor said he will cease his use of Twitter in the future after the controversy.

Neighborhood watch program applauds members

The Bellicose Juction neighborhood watch program was honored at a dinner at the CoalCrack Cafe tonight.

Watch chairwoman Linda Fangs, known in circles as "Tweedle Don't," was called a 'hero to the neighborhood' and a 'reason to stop dating women.' While the second point about Fangs spoke more to her homely appearance, large front teeth, and scaly facial appearance, her work in reducing crime in town was more the focus.

A cake that was purchased by the Smeltzer Hardware Shop and the Morbid Funeral Home pictured Fangs' face on it. Jim Mormom of the Smeltzer Hardware store joked afterwards to reporters, "Anyone want cake!? No one ate the parts with Fangs' face!" To the delight of the crowd, Ted Morbid took it and smashed it into Fangs' forehead. And a roar of laughter ensued.

In her speech, Linda Fangs called the town "not worthy of saving" and she loudly wondered why she even runs a neighborhood watch program. "Every day I wake up with saying on my house in butter, if it snows people write things in my front yard in the snow with urine, and I get my mail stolen almost weekly. I really don't know why I do this organization."

Applause immediately filled the room.

As a reward, Mayor Largent was also at the dinner but said food poisoning made him had to cut out early. Before he left, he presented Fangs with a gold-plated Ultimate Warrior Wig, the highest honor someone in Bellicose Junction can achieve.

Massive snowstorm kills small people in Bellicose

A large storm system hit Bellicose Junction this weekend, leaving four diminutive Bellicosians dead.

The system dropped over 2 feet of snow on some areas.

Walt Faydeo of the Faydeo milk delivery company witnessed three little people get covered with the white stuff. Faydeo said, "I couldn't save them! They were jumping to spit, but I couldn't save them."

Faydeo said he tried to give them milk for as long as they could. Eventually, the falling snow buried them up to their scalps.

Meanwhile, one more small person died when he tried to save his friends from their demise. Faydeo witnessed his trudging across the snow on a large garbage can lid. "It looked like the little guy was swimming!" Faydeo said.

Sadly, he didn't make it.

Officials have not yet released the names of the persons dead because even though they are over the adult age of 18, they are still the height of 12-year-olds.

Accident shuts down Foreskin Hill

An accident involving a horse carriage filled with low calorie cream cheese has left one Amish man injured and Jim Yolk's egg delivery truck damaged.

The incident occurred when a buttery stretch of Foreskin Hill became slippery as the horse and buggy traveled over it.

Witnesses on the scene said that Bellicose Junction road crews were trying to rub the butter off of Foreskin throughout the day but it continued to get harder as time went on,

Jim Yolk was not angry. For his burden has always been light.

Kanye Pepper engagement with C. Salt

This website would like to take a second and congratulate Kanye Pepper, who recently announced his engagement to marry with C.Salt. Pepper and Salt will wed on a cruise hosted by a local radio station this coming June. The radio station promises that the cruise will be the "time of their lives." Salt and Pepper are set to mix.

Mayor Largent boasts drop in unemployment

The Mayor today released a statement applauding LlaEnergia plant's recent hiring of 2 new employees.

The Mayor said, "While the unemployment rate of 89% in Bellicose Junction is a tad higher than the national average, I have ever reason to believe that things are getting better."

The Mayor was hoping a grant would be given by the state for the Mayor to higher a new limo driver, a personal chef, and a "crazy guy on the corner" position.

The Mayor said that he expected next month's rate to be near 88%, which would be the third month in a row the unemployment numbers fell.

Events this weekend

Bored in Bellicose? No need to be!

Here is a list of events taking place this weekend in Bellicose Junction:

Celebrate Russian Christmas with the White Russians! A group of men who sing Boys to Men songs are coming to the Carnegie Watermelon Center on Saturday night. Tickets are 4 cents!

A book burning event at the Wilderness Club, hosted by the same people that recently censored Huckleberry Finn

Bird dropping at the Manwich Building. Afraid of the recent rash of bird deaths around the world?? Bellicose Junction sure isn't! Come to Bellicose Square Sunday morning and help volunteers drop dead birds that they recently collected from sewers and basements. The bird drop organizers are also asking for money to pay people to find more dead birds, and then to drop them again next weekend.

Tommy Hillenger, a 7th grade home-schooled child, made a desktop model of Saigon. Join him at Bellicose Museum where Tommy will show off his model of the Vietnamese city, and dress as "Miss Saigon" to do it

And finally, sad that Christmas is gone? Upset about those bills coming in from Christmas gift-giving? Come to the Bellicose Junction Shopping Arena this weekend to see the town's former Christmas Santa Clauses dress up for one last time as they are chased by rabid monkeys. Bring your gifts you didn't want, and volunteers will collect them to give to the needy.

Mayor Poppy Largent comments on recent llama kills

Bellicose Junction Mayor Poppy Largent's office today released a statement on recent developments in Bellicose Junction. Over the past several weeks, there have been 16 different incidents of llama beatings throughout the city, along with at least 2 reported llama kills.

The Mayor said, "While I do not perceive to know what the life of a llama may be like, I contend that the life of a llama live is much better for Bellicose Junction, than the life of a llama absent a life. Or dead."

The Mayor was deluged with questions during a recent brunch at the Transhuman Combination club, a monthly meeting of half-sized human beings that thirst to live life as giants.

Bellicose Junction police chief Zookie Schwanson recently called the rash of llama crimes "a plague on the llama population." Schwanson even went as far as calling for Harley Davidson bike riders and satanists to bind together to hunt down members of the Amish community who the police have pinpointed as the main culprits in recent crimes.

Schwanson's blame of the Amish has been due to evidence at crime scenes, including butter-soaked windows on homes, large beard hairs at the crime scene, and notes at crime scenes saying "The Amish, like me, did this crime!"

The Mayor told the Transhuman club Friday that the Amish are attempting to sell llama hide and teeth on the black market for quick cash.

The Mayor said, "The economy is tremendously bad. I even had to give up 2 meals a day because of my finances. But that is no reason for anyone to take the lives of innocent llamas in Bellicose Junction."

The Llama Defense League has urged the Mayor to speak out on the affairs.

Defense League Chairman Micheangelo Hunt told this website, "I'm happy with Mayor Largent's words, but we need actions." The Defense League has started night watch programs headed by LlaEnergia plant manager Chuck Manson. Hunt finished, "It's my hope that the Mayor cracks down on the Amish, but I doubt it with since they donated all the homemade wooden signs to his campaign in the year 2010."

At press time, official llama spokesllama Mama Llama could not be reached for comment.

Welcome to this website

The Town of Bellicose Junction, founded in 1895 by Donovan McNickerbocker of the McNickerbocker family from Eastern Europe, is now online.

This website is meant to document the events, lives, deaths, tragedies, tendencies, and tenacity of the small town.

During the last Census, the town of Bellicose Junction was avoided by Census takers. According to the most recent information, Bellicose Junction is comprised of 850 people. The breakdown: 85% white, 10% black, 4% Amish/Presbyterian with a hell-bent love of rubber-hanging testicles on the backs of pick up trucks, and 1% 12-year-old newspaper carriers that still hand out copies of the town newspaper "The Daily Trouble."

The mayor of the town is Poppy Largent, and was elected to the position in 1979. Mr. Largent has expanded resources of the town, cut ribbon and broke wind on the LlaEnergia plant, headed by head head-hunter and headquarters head Mr. Chuck Manson.

The town's main business is LlaMeat, which as the jingle goes, "Is a treat to eat!"

Bellicose Junction, as all other cities and towns, have struggled through the economic turmoil as of late. However, Mayor Largent received a grant from the state to expand the LlaEnergia plant, and employer the large segment of Amish people that last their jobs with the McDevil and ComPete Butter Pad-Factory left the area to move to Figi.

Please continue to check this website for information on the life and times of the Junction, along with the history of music.