Mayor Poppy Largent is defending his office and employees after a dramatic llama rescue marred 2014's Easter Egg Hunt in the Captain Trips Firehall--once thought to not exist.
The day began as others did in years previous: A sacrificial bunny burning. Traditional attire was worn, such as pink handkerchiefs and yellow shoe-bricks without laces. This year's bunny was a lovable little furry male named Filthy. Largent said that name was chosen by one of the high school children that come to his house to access his pool for recreational use.
But then it was time for the real reason for the season: A mob-rule Easter egg hunt with no holds barred parents mopping the floor in a yearly ritual to acquire as many plastic colored eggs as they could.
When the Mayor sounded the alarm, this year a MP3 of Scott Joplin's MAPLE LEAF RAG was used, the large crowd passionately stormed into Old Man's Den for the hidden eggs. But one problem: The Mayor's office forgot to get them! Instead, the townspeople, rabid in their actions, began to shove, kick, push, and bite. One person who asked to rename nameless, named Bartholomew Benderstick, said "It was like being in an HBO show, not the one with the girls, but that other kind with the killer guy, I think his name is Dexy, or something." Benderstick continued, "Wait, maybe that is Showtime. Or Skinemax. I think the show is Deckers. Or Dexter's midnight runners, and he's a dentist that kills bad people and eats their teeth, or something." Benderstick concluded, "or maybe that's on Lifetime?"
After the large Bellicose Bellicosians realized there were no eggs to be found, they marched into the Llama's Teet Farm and Helpless Hideaway, as a rumor was quickly spread that the Mayor's office may have stored eggs in the stomachs of llamas to keep them warm.
A call was placed to the Bellicose 119 system. Audio of the call was graphic, and this site has chosen not to post it. The call was placed by Mama Llama. Her voice was quivering with fear as she watched the unruly mob with empty Easter baskets descend on Llama's Teet. The Mayor's office immediately sent in robotic police bots to pepper spray the crowd, especially the women and children, and rescue the llamas.
Some in Bellicose wonder if such use of force was necessary.
Meanwhile, the Mayor said that next year will be different. He has already called in a management company to oversee operations and plan the Easter Egg hunt for 2015. The company Your Yolk is Easy and your Burden is Light will begin with a plan for crowd control, cameras, and a drone. CEO Kevin 'bad breath' Weave-a-dont told me, "If anything close to this happens next year, a drone will drop a small nuclear weapon onto the crowd to ensure the safe passageway of the llamas from Teet to table."
The Mayor is set to hold a press conference later this week. No word yet on who will flank him.
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