Slender Scissorfeet making lawns beautiful again with combover effect

SCISSORFEET NI HIS GLORY

If you noticed some extra manicured lawns as of late in Bellicose Junction, you can thank Slender Scissorfeet, the town's newest business owner.

Slender can be seen humming WHISTLE by FLO RIDA or TIMBER by Pitbull and Kesha as he walks happily through lawns across the Junction.  

A bit of background may be in order before jumping in with our feet blades first.

Slender Scissorfeet was born of Edwin and Edwina Scissorfeet in 1945. Slender got him name do to his elongated presence. When Edwinda gave birth, doctors were shocked that a thin looking 54" baby was produced from her bodies. International media organizations even reported Slender's birth. He was placed into a traveling carnival until the Vietnam war began. Slender got drafted.

Slender attempted to use his tallness as a crutch, hoping that he'd be able to evade the draft without having to go to Canada. It didn't work. Despite his participation in a bra and book burning festival to protest the draft, he went to Vietnam--and he earned a Red Badge of Courage from Stephen Crane for his use of his gift: His scissorfeet. 

After returning from the great war, Slender Scissorfeet went into seclusion. 

Now years after his great vanishing act, Slender is back. And he has a plan: Create beautiful lawns inspired by his own head of hair: The comb over. 

Special correspondence Nick Schmigle interviewed Slender Scissorfeet  for this piece. The following are excepts of that conversation;

Schmigle: Thank you for speaking to us, I'd like to ...

Slender Scissorfeet: Here's how this thing is going to run. You ask me questions, and I will answer. And please don't talk about my scissorfeet."

Schmigle: Let me first ask you about your scissorfeet. How do you polish the blades, and sharpen them? They look amazing

Slender Scissorfeet: Thank you! I try my best to ensure they're the sharpest and most amazing scissorfeet around! I just love the sound of grass cutting as I walk. I really love forests, I just try to evade squirrel huts [laughs]

Schmigle: How did you begin this idea to start cutting lawns in the style of comb overs?

Slender Scissorfeet: It wasn't easy. Most people I talked to didn't want their lawn to look like the male comb over. But when they saw how luscious mine was, they couldn't resist. I did one lawn for One Nut Monet, up on the hill. Next I knew, Cholanda Racoon was calling to do the same, before I knew it, the Lemur Pizza Shop was asking for my stylish grass cut.

Schmigle: No seriously, why do people want their lawns to be cut in the shape of a bad comb over, like the bad comb over you have? I don't really understand this.

Slender Scissorfeet: Just go with it, Schmigle, seriously. Why are you trying to burst my bubble? What are you, some sort of a scissor cutter? What, do you want to see a Slender Scissorfeet get angry, or sad? Are you trying to my tears rust my crusted toe blades? What gives, man? [getting angry] GET REAL MAN! COMB OVERS ARE IN! THEY'VE ALWAYS BEEN IN! WHAT THE HELL, ARE YOU AGAINST COMB OVERS? OHHHHH 'Mr. I have hair' doesn't respect the comb over, when screw you. Screw you and your pretentious on high attitude, screw you and your regular feet with toes and hang nails and bunions. GO TO THE HELL, SCHMIGLE!

We'd like to thank Slender Scissorfeet for his time. 

We wish him luck on his comb over mission.