Ebeneezer and Vilma Schnitckfuck have been asking, 'how long will it take?'
The couple has been quizzing Bellicose Junctionites on their knowledge about how long 'it' will be before it becomes 'it.'
The Schnitckfucks moved to Bellicose Junction in the fall of 2010. It has taken a long time since then, they say, and are wondering how long it will take from now on.
"I just want to know how long it will take," Vilma said. "Is that too much to ask?"
The Schnitckfucks intend on creating a Facebook fan page to ask how long it will take.
They hope to find an answer soon.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Take your child to work day an eye opener for Bellicose teen
Bellicose Junction teen Jack Sausagefinger was permitted to be out of his high schoool class at North Broomstick for a good cause. His father, Sid, took him to his job at the city of Bellicose Office of Permitting, Papers, and Carbon Copying of Things.
Sid 'Sloppy' Sausagefinger told this site, "I wanted to show my son what real work is, he needs to see this to be better ready for his future career." Sloppy said, "I planned a busy day so my son could see what his pop does for eight hours."
In the morning, Jack was treated to a raucous round of water cooler gossip. Jack said that he heard Linda didn't make copies yesterday, but that Wilma 'does everything around here' without a raise. After several minutes of debate about whether office workers wanted to get lunch at 11:30 or wait until 12:00, Sloppy came back from a 25 minute bathroom break and reeked of cigarettes, though he told his son that he is down to 1 a day and smokes E-Cigarettes for the rest of the time. Moments later, word spread that city the Office of Permitting Chief was in the building, and the restless herd of city workers quickly dissipated from the group and headed back to their desks to "make things look good for when the Chief walks through." Jack said he saw most of the staff picking up phones and talking, but doubted anyone was on the other line.
Sloppy sat Jack down and let him watch his workload as it progressed. Sloppy busily made four copies and pressed hard down on carbon paper to date stamp them. "It's important to make sure you press down," Sloppy instructed his son. Sloppy hurriedly tried to get his carbon paper out of the way to make way for a shipment from UPS. "The office supplies have arrived!" he shouted to his co-workers. Jack was forcibly moved out of the way as the 'gals in the office' rushed for file folders and staples. "I've been out since last week, I can't believe we don't order these more often," a bitter Linda commented to Sloppy. Linda reminded Sloppy that she made 'all of the copies' yesterday without any help from anyone else.
It was now time for a break.
Jack was given a copy of USA TODAY to blend in. "No one here reads local news, son," Sloppy said, commenting that local news was written in a 6th grade style. "Instead," Sloppy reminded his son, "we read the high-browed text of USA TODAY." Sloppy admitted that he often struggles attempting to understand the hard hitting topics covered USA TODAY.
Sloppy was worried that Jack was be overwhelmed with the excitement of office work, so he cut the day short. Around 12:30--after eating 14 chicken wings from the local restaurant that delivered, Sloppy took his son home. "I have a lot of leave time here," he told his son. "I have to burn this before it runs out." Jack was unimpressed.
Jack sent a photograph to this website of his various points of his day. We have chosen not to publish, instead a graphical representation of Jack and Sloppy are featured.
The Mayor's office has released a statement that 2015's take your child to work day has already been cancelled.
Sid 'Sloppy' Sausagefinger told this site, "I wanted to show my son what real work is, he needs to see this to be better ready for his future career." Sloppy said, "I planned a busy day so my son could see what his pop does for eight hours."
In the morning, Jack was treated to a raucous round of water cooler gossip. Jack said that he heard Linda didn't make copies yesterday, but that Wilma 'does everything around here' without a raise. After several minutes of debate about whether office workers wanted to get lunch at 11:30 or wait until 12:00, Sloppy came back from a 25 minute bathroom break and reeked of cigarettes, though he told his son that he is down to 1 a day and smokes E-Cigarettes for the rest of the time. Moments later, word spread that city the Office of Permitting Chief was in the building, and the restless herd of city workers quickly dissipated from the group and headed back to their desks to "make things look good for when the Chief walks through." Jack said he saw most of the staff picking up phones and talking, but doubted anyone was on the other line.
Sloppy sat Jack down and let him watch his workload as it progressed. Sloppy busily made four copies and pressed hard down on carbon paper to date stamp them. "It's important to make sure you press down," Sloppy instructed his son. Sloppy hurriedly tried to get his carbon paper out of the way to make way for a shipment from UPS. "The office supplies have arrived!" he shouted to his co-workers. Jack was forcibly moved out of the way as the 'gals in the office' rushed for file folders and staples. "I've been out since last week, I can't believe we don't order these more often," a bitter Linda commented to Sloppy. Linda reminded Sloppy that she made 'all of the copies' yesterday without any help from anyone else.
It was now time for a break.
Jack was given a copy of USA TODAY to blend in. "No one here reads local news, son," Sloppy said, commenting that local news was written in a 6th grade style. "Instead," Sloppy reminded his son, "we read the high-browed text of USA TODAY." Sloppy admitted that he often struggles attempting to understand the hard hitting topics covered USA TODAY.
Sloppy was worried that Jack was be overwhelmed with the excitement of office work, so he cut the day short. Around 12:30--after eating 14 chicken wings from the local restaurant that delivered, Sloppy took his son home. "I have a lot of leave time here," he told his son. "I have to burn this before it runs out." Jack was unimpressed.
Jack sent a photograph to this website of his various points of his day. We have chosen not to publish, instead a graphical representation of Jack and Sloppy are featured.
The Mayor's office has released a statement that 2015's take your child to work day has already been cancelled.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Bellicose Easter Egg hunt ends in dramatic llama rescue
Mayor Poppy Largent is defending his office and employees after a dramatic llama rescue marred 2014's Easter Egg Hunt in the Captain Trips Firehall--once thought to not exist.
The day began as others did in years previous: A sacrificial bunny burning. Traditional attire was worn, such as pink handkerchiefs and yellow shoe-bricks without laces. This year's bunny was a lovable little furry male named Filthy. Largent said that name was chosen by one of the high school children that come to his house to access his pool for recreational use.
But then it was time for the real reason for the season: A mob-rule Easter egg hunt with no holds barred parents mopping the floor in a yearly ritual to acquire as many plastic colored eggs as they could.
When the Mayor sounded the alarm, this year a MP3 of Scott Joplin's MAPLE LEAF RAG was used, the large crowd passionately stormed into Old Man's Den for the hidden eggs. But one problem: The Mayor's office forgot to get them! Instead, the townspeople, rabid in their actions, began to shove, kick, push, and bite. One person who asked to rename nameless, named Bartholomew Benderstick, said "It was like being in an HBO show, not the one with the girls, but that other kind with the killer guy, I think his name is Dexy, or something." Benderstick continued, "Wait, maybe that is Showtime. Or Skinemax. I think the show is Deckers. Or Dexter's midnight runners, and he's a dentist that kills bad people and eats their teeth, or something." Benderstick concluded, "or maybe that's on Lifetime?"
After the large Bellicose Bellicosians realized there were no eggs to be found, they marched into the Llama's Teet Farm and Helpless Hideaway, as a rumor was quickly spread that the Mayor's office may have stored eggs in the stomachs of llamas to keep them warm.
A call was placed to the Bellicose 119 system. Audio of the call was graphic, and this site has chosen not to post it. The call was placed by Mama Llama. Her voice was quivering with fear as she watched the unruly mob with empty Easter baskets descend on Llama's Teet. The Mayor's office immediately sent in robotic police bots to pepper spray the crowd, especially the women and children, and rescue the llamas.
Some in Bellicose wonder if such use of force was necessary.
Meanwhile, the Mayor said that next year will be different. He has already called in a management company to oversee operations and plan the Easter Egg hunt for 2015. The company Your Yolk is Easy and your Burden is Light will begin with a plan for crowd control, cameras, and a drone. CEO Kevin 'bad breath' Weave-a-dont told me, "If anything close to this happens next year, a drone will drop a small nuclear weapon onto the crowd to ensure the safe passageway of the llamas from Teet to table."
The Mayor is set to hold a press conference later this week. No word yet on who will flank him.
The day began as others did in years previous: A sacrificial bunny burning. Traditional attire was worn, such as pink handkerchiefs and yellow shoe-bricks without laces. This year's bunny was a lovable little furry male named Filthy. Largent said that name was chosen by one of the high school children that come to his house to access his pool for recreational use.
But then it was time for the real reason for the season: A mob-rule Easter egg hunt with no holds barred parents mopping the floor in a yearly ritual to acquire as many plastic colored eggs as they could.
When the Mayor sounded the alarm, this year a MP3 of Scott Joplin's MAPLE LEAF RAG was used, the large crowd passionately stormed into Old Man's Den for the hidden eggs. But one problem: The Mayor's office forgot to get them! Instead, the townspeople, rabid in their actions, began to shove, kick, push, and bite. One person who asked to rename nameless, named Bartholomew Benderstick, said "It was like being in an HBO show, not the one with the girls, but that other kind with the killer guy, I think his name is Dexy, or something." Benderstick continued, "Wait, maybe that is Showtime. Or Skinemax. I think the show is Deckers. Or Dexter's midnight runners, and he's a dentist that kills bad people and eats their teeth, or something." Benderstick concluded, "or maybe that's on Lifetime?"
After the large Bellicose Bellicosians realized there were no eggs to be found, they marched into the Llama's Teet Farm and Helpless Hideaway, as a rumor was quickly spread that the Mayor's office may have stored eggs in the stomachs of llamas to keep them warm.
A call was placed to the Bellicose 119 system. Audio of the call was graphic, and this site has chosen not to post it. The call was placed by Mama Llama. Her voice was quivering with fear as she watched the unruly mob with empty Easter baskets descend on Llama's Teet. The Mayor's office immediately sent in robotic police bots to pepper spray the crowd, especially the women and children, and rescue the llamas.
Some in Bellicose wonder if such use of force was necessary.
Meanwhile, the Mayor said that next year will be different. He has already called in a management company to oversee operations and plan the Easter Egg hunt for 2015. The company Your Yolk is Easy and your Burden is Light will begin with a plan for crowd control, cameras, and a drone. CEO Kevin 'bad breath' Weave-a-dont told me, "If anything close to this happens next year, a drone will drop a small nuclear weapon onto the crowd to ensure the safe passageway of the llamas from Teet to table."
The Mayor is set to hold a press conference later this week. No word yet on who will flank him.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
You can now enter Butts' rear
Dr. Massiv Schitface Butts, the famous Bellicose Junction bunion surgeon, has announced that his office's parking is now available in his rear entrance. The changes came after a grant from the Bellicose Junction Llamedical Produce and Biotin Company.
Dr. Butts' standards of practice in Bellicose has been synonymous with success. A sign on his window enthusiastically reads, "Every time Butts opens, goodness flows out."
His employees are happy about the changes, too.
Maria Shriver, no relation to the former Governator, or wait, maybe she is, told this site that she's ecstatic about Butts' new entrance. "I love that I can get in through his rear now, the front was too tight, especially when someone was using a device and things like that," she said. "It's open and easy, you can glide yourself around with ease!" Shriver praised the grant for other changes, such as a new improved water fountain. "The previous fountain only was 2 and a half high," she commented. "This building was Dr. Ecklerberg's before he moved, so most things in here were made purposely diminutive to sort of help him, as was as tall as a misfit."
Mayor Poppy Largent awarded the grant on a traditional commemorative tin foil-covered posterboard. Even Largent has been on the receiving end of Butts' actions. Largent had a painful bunion as a result of a llama stomping incident, and Butts removed it. After that March surgery, Largent commented, "I will go to bat for Butts!"
Dr. Butts held the tin foil posterboard with Largent for a photo op, depicted here in a cartoon format.
Butts commented after, "Who would have ever predicted a guy from a little house in Nippletucks would ever make it big, and have a rear entrance this beautiful?" Butts continued, "My mom and dad named me Masiv Schitface because they saw what the name 'Seymour' Butts did to my bother. Seymour could not escape ridicule and constantly badgering over his funny name, he was, so to speak, the butt of the joke. My parents knew that Masiv was the only logical name, and I thank them every day for it."
Butts plans on expanding his new opening later this year, and is pursuing additional grant money to be able to pump in his operation.
Dr. Butts' standards of practice in Bellicose has been synonymous with success. A sign on his window enthusiastically reads, "Every time Butts opens, goodness flows out."
His employees are happy about the changes, too.
Maria Shriver, no relation to the former Governator, or wait, maybe she is, told this site that she's ecstatic about Butts' new entrance. "I love that I can get in through his rear now, the front was too tight, especially when someone was using a device and things like that," she said. "It's open and easy, you can glide yourself around with ease!" Shriver praised the grant for other changes, such as a new improved water fountain. "The previous fountain only was 2 and a half high," she commented. "This building was Dr. Ecklerberg's before he moved, so most things in here were made purposely diminutive to sort of help him, as was as tall as a misfit."
Mayor Poppy Largent awarded the grant on a traditional commemorative tin foil-covered posterboard. Even Largent has been on the receiving end of Butts' actions. Largent had a painful bunion as a result of a llama stomping incident, and Butts removed it. After that March surgery, Largent commented, "I will go to bat for Butts!"
Dr. Butts held the tin foil posterboard with Largent for a photo op, depicted here in a cartoon format.
 |
| Largent (right) and Butts (obviously) |
Butts plans on expanding his new opening later this year, and is pursuing additional grant money to be able to pump in his operation.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Slender Scissorfeet making lawns beautiful again with combover effect
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| SCISSORFEET NI HIS GLORY |
Slender can be seen humming WHISTLE by FLO RIDA or TIMBER by Pitbull and Kesha as he walks happily through lawns across the Junction.
A bit of background may be in order before jumping in with our feet blades first.
Slender Scissorfeet was born of Edwin and Edwina Scissorfeet in 1945. Slender got him name do to his elongated presence. When Edwinda gave birth, doctors were shocked that a thin looking 54" baby was produced from her bodies. International media organizations even reported Slender's birth. He was placed into a traveling carnival until the Vietnam war began. Slender got drafted.
Slender attempted to use his tallness as a crutch, hoping that he'd be able to evade the draft without having to go to Canada. It didn't work. Despite his participation in a bra and book burning festival to protest the draft, he went to Vietnam--and he earned a Red Badge of Courage from Stephen Crane for his use of his gift: His scissorfeet.
After returning from the great war, Slender Scissorfeet went into seclusion.
Now years after his great vanishing act, Slender is back. And he has a plan: Create beautiful lawns inspired by his own head of hair: The comb over.
Special correspondence Nick Schmigle interviewed Slender Scissorfeet for this piece. The following are excepts of that conversation;
Schmigle: Thank you for speaking to us, I'd like to ...
Slender Scissorfeet: Here's how this thing is going to run. You ask me questions, and I will answer. And please don't talk about my scissorfeet."
Schmigle: Let me first ask you about your scissorfeet. How do you polish the blades, and sharpen them? They look amazing
Slender Scissorfeet: Thank you! I try my best to ensure they're the sharpest and most amazing scissorfeet around! I just love the sound of grass cutting as I walk. I really love forests, I just try to evade squirrel huts [laughs]
Schmigle: How did you begin this idea to start cutting lawns in the style of comb overs?
Slender Scissorfeet: It wasn't easy. Most people I talked to didn't want their lawn to look like the male comb over. But when they saw how luscious mine was, they couldn't resist. I did one lawn for One Nut Monet, up on the hill. Next I knew, Cholanda Racoon was calling to do the same, before I knew it, the Lemur Pizza Shop was asking for my stylish grass cut.
Schmigle: No seriously, why do people want their lawns to be cut in the shape of a bad comb over, like the bad comb over you have? I don't really understand this.
Slender Scissorfeet: Just go with it, Schmigle, seriously. Why are you trying to burst my bubble? What are you, some sort of a scissor cutter? What, do you want to see a Slender Scissorfeet get angry, or sad? Are you trying to my tears rust my crusted toe blades? What gives, man? [getting angry] GET REAL MAN! COMB OVERS ARE IN! THEY'VE ALWAYS BEEN IN! WHAT THE HELL, ARE YOU AGAINST COMB OVERS? OHHHHH 'Mr. I have hair' doesn't respect the comb over, when screw you. Screw you and your pretentious on high attitude, screw you and your regular feet with toes and hang nails and bunions. GO TO THE HELL, SCHMIGLE!
We'd like to thank Slender Scissorfeet for his time.
We wish him luck on his comb over mission.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
When good eggs go bad: Easter turns violent at Church egg making building
Bowls of heated chocolate were left overturned and peanut butter was smeared across the walls in the basement of the Jesus Christ Almighty Church on West Evander Holyfield Highway today.
News tips to my website and calls to sources confirmed: There was a brutal fight that took place among the twelve elderly women who make their traditional Easter Eggs in that building. Those twelve women have been known as the Yolk Disciples, often working up to 18 hours a day without a break during the Lenten season. They pump eggs out like no other group. The Pastor often uses forcible methods to keep them from exiting the building. Last year, a complaint was filed with the Not Really Better Business Dresser that a large amount of hair and fragments of an autographed photo of Bob Saget were found in customers' eggs.
For years, this haphazard group has been a powder keg, giving off sparks.
Those sparks have now exploded with a chocolate brawl: The big Easter Egg Extravaganza of 2014.
I am still working on the details, trying to sort it all, and separate the coconuts from the cherries, but I do know this: The war of the melted chocolate began early in the day when one of the women, name withheld for privacy (I think it was Anita Cakeball), became irritated at another again nameless woman, (I think Hinkle Blowack's mother, Sylvia) after she finger-tested hot chocolate without gloves.
Immediately others becomes embroiled in a heated exchange as they heated their chocolate. Included i the verbal duke: Father Anime Claymation, who become attempted to intervene when Cakeball pushed Mrs. Blowack's face directly into the pot of warm peanut butter. There were no injuries, but a sudden brawl took place. Bodies jiggling and breasts sagging in the wind.
It reportedly was a mess.
The janitor of the building, NATE, told me, "It was messy, buddy." He went on, "it was really messy, and I had to clean the mess. There was a mess."
I went to the site to photograph the scene--there was Bellicose police tape surrounding the Jesus Christ Almighty rectory. However, NATE sneaked into the building to make the door ajar in order for me to snap a shot. NATE said, "Look a the mess. It's a mess. A big mess, buddy," as he lighty pushed open the door. I saw chocolate all over the walls.. I also saw one woman sitting with a bowl of some sort of chocolate apparatus over her head.
Also apparent: A hand print of peanut butter on the wall behind her. Some say they don't see the hand print. Others say it is a hoax. But a few claim that the print will stay there forever and cannot be removed, even with soap and water. It's a permanent reminder of the peanut butter massacre that took place here.
Below is a graphic representation of what my photograph showed:
I will continue to follow up on this Cherry and Coconut Caper.
News tips to my website and calls to sources confirmed: There was a brutal fight that took place among the twelve elderly women who make their traditional Easter Eggs in that building. Those twelve women have been known as the Yolk Disciples, often working up to 18 hours a day without a break during the Lenten season. They pump eggs out like no other group. The Pastor often uses forcible methods to keep them from exiting the building. Last year, a complaint was filed with the Not Really Better Business Dresser that a large amount of hair and fragments of an autographed photo of Bob Saget were found in customers' eggs.
For years, this haphazard group has been a powder keg, giving off sparks.
Those sparks have now exploded with a chocolate brawl: The big Easter Egg Extravaganza of 2014.
I am still working on the details, trying to sort it all, and separate the coconuts from the cherries, but I do know this: The war of the melted chocolate began early in the day when one of the women, name withheld for privacy (I think it was Anita Cakeball), became irritated at another again nameless woman, (I think Hinkle Blowack's mother, Sylvia) after she finger-tested hot chocolate without gloves.
Immediately others becomes embroiled in a heated exchange as they heated their chocolate. Included i the verbal duke: Father Anime Claymation, who become attempted to intervene when Cakeball pushed Mrs. Blowack's face directly into the pot of warm peanut butter. There were no injuries, but a sudden brawl took place. Bodies jiggling and breasts sagging in the wind.
It reportedly was a mess.
The janitor of the building, NATE, told me, "It was messy, buddy." He went on, "it was really messy, and I had to clean the mess. There was a mess."
I went to the site to photograph the scene--there was Bellicose police tape surrounding the Jesus Christ Almighty rectory. However, NATE sneaked into the building to make the door ajar in order for me to snap a shot. NATE said, "Look a the mess. It's a mess. A big mess, buddy," as he lighty pushed open the door. I saw chocolate all over the walls.. I also saw one woman sitting with a bowl of some sort of chocolate apparatus over her head.
Also apparent: A hand print of peanut butter on the wall behind her. Some say they don't see the hand print. Others say it is a hoax. But a few claim that the print will stay there forever and cannot be removed, even with soap and water. It's a permanent reminder of the peanut butter massacre that took place here.
Below is a graphic representation of what my photograph showed:
I will continue to follow up on this Cherry and Coconut Caper.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Ned Fiddlestank suspends his quest for Jay-Z concert tickets due to Mickey Rooney's untimely death
A source has informed me that Ned Fiddlestank suspended his life-long quest to purchase Jay-Z tickets. The news comes just as Mickey Rooney passed away way too soon. According to my source, who I will keep nameless and only say he lives right next door to Fiddlestank and you can look him up on the Bellicose Junction city parcel locator, Fiddlestank has gone into retreat with Rooney's untimely and unexpected passing.
Rooney died last night at the age of 93. Few know that Rourke had a rendezvous in Bellicose Junction. One scene of the film ANDY HARDY GETS SPRING FEVER, was actually filmed in the Junction!
The scene was cut from the film, but it took place at the Gassy Wheat and Gas shop along Clover Island in Bellicose Junction. According to Bellicose lure, Great Pappap Hugeasre Fiddlestank III invited Rooney and his then wife Ava Gardner, to a midnight dinner at Hank's Family Deli. The only problem: Hank's wasn't even built until 1999, and the movie was filmed in 1943. Obviously, Rooney and Gardner turned down the invitation and they quickly left Bellicose Junction, some say in fear of the head shapes of the townspeople.
The scene was cut from the film, but it took place at the Gassy Wheat and Gas shop along Clover Island in Bellicose Junction. According to Bellicose lure, Great Pappap Hugeasre Fiddlestank III invited Rooney and his then wife Ava Gardner, to a midnight dinner at Hank's Family Deli. The only problem: Hank's wasn't even built until 1999, and the movie was filmed in 1943. Obviously, Rooney and Gardner turned down the invitation and they quickly left Bellicose Junction, some say in fear of the head shapes of the townspeople.
The Fiddlestank family opened a Mickey Rooney store, complete with a Mickey Rooney newspaper photograph collection and a train set that captures the entire town of Bellicose Junction as it was in 1943 when Rooney filmed his scene in the town.
Ned Fiddlestank has taken up the family tradition and continues to run the makeshift train set. While the museum rarely gets patrons, a large bus took a detour off of Interstate 21 to stop at the Rooney shop, re-named by Fiddlestank the Rooney Toot Toot Whistlestop Station in 2008. The customers didn't stay for long, however, as they thought it was an Andy Rooney museum.
Calls to Fiddlestank went unreturned. But his neighbor, who we are respecting the privacy of, named Wilbur, said that Fiddlestank is deeply upset by Rooney's sudden death. "Gone too soon," Wilbur &*&smith said.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Weekend happenings
Bored in Bellicose??
Here's some events you may want to consider for the weekend.
As mentioned before, a big Bellicose Junction wide yard sale is taking place. It's the annual April sale in which residents of Bellicose pay each other for things that they owned last year. Be apart of the community wide effort to move refuse from one house to the other!
Doug Shisselmeyer will be hosting a "Simon Says" party at the former Theater of Opera Singers Past at 11am on Saturday morning. Come out wearing your finest attire and do what Shisselmeyer says, even if it means giving him the shirt off your back.
ON Sunday, also at the Theater of Opera Singers Past, a Hokey Pokey party. Can you still put your right foot in like you used to? It's what it's all about.
There is a steamed llameaat party on Saturday night at The Pokewoman Eatery. The Mother's Guild of the Rapid Elderly club will host the benefit fundraiser. Proceeds will go to fixing the roof on their Atlantic City bound tour bus.
Finally, Mayor Poppy Largent will host a Meat and Greet with city leaders at his private residence on Sunday night. Only those invited are able to attend, but the Mayor will set up a small fenced in area where media and Bellicosians who want to snap a photo of the elite crowd of leaders. On the menu: The finest Llameat the mayor could find. The famed novelist Manuel Stinkelfacher will address the small group of Bellicose leaders.
Have a great weekend, Bellicose! Make it a blast
Here's some events you may want to consider for the weekend.
As mentioned before, a big Bellicose Junction wide yard sale is taking place. It's the annual April sale in which residents of Bellicose pay each other for things that they owned last year. Be apart of the community wide effort to move refuse from one house to the other!
Doug Shisselmeyer will be hosting a "Simon Says" party at the former Theater of Opera Singers Past at 11am on Saturday morning. Come out wearing your finest attire and do what Shisselmeyer says, even if it means giving him the shirt off your back.
ON Sunday, also at the Theater of Opera Singers Past, a Hokey Pokey party. Can you still put your right foot in like you used to? It's what it's all about.
There is a steamed llameaat party on Saturday night at The Pokewoman Eatery. The Mother's Guild of the Rapid Elderly club will host the benefit fundraiser. Proceeds will go to fixing the roof on their Atlantic City bound tour bus.
Finally, Mayor Poppy Largent will host a Meat and Greet with city leaders at his private residence on Sunday night. Only those invited are able to attend, but the Mayor will set up a small fenced in area where media and Bellicosians who want to snap a photo of the elite crowd of leaders. On the menu: The finest Llameat the mayor could find. The famed novelist Manuel Stinkelfacher will address the small group of Bellicose leaders.
Have a great weekend, Bellicose! Make it a blast
Man decides to sell Franklin Walbert Stimulator at garage sale
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| A feminine Nelson shows off his Stimulator |
Nelson said that the Franklin Walbert Stimulator was only 46 cents when his father originally purchased it from the United States Government. Nelson said his dad was an employee of the government, and that Uncle Sam had given all employees of his office a deal on leftover Stimulators after they were banned for being cruel and inhumane.
I interviewed Nelson in his Bigot's Peak neighborhood home yesterday. His house had the scent of distress, coupled with aged wood paneling and stale cigarettes and whiskey. There was another smell permeating from his closet that should, in no way, be reported on an open forum such as this.
"There is nothing inhumane about stimulation," Nelson said. "I think my Franklin Walbert Stimulator is the best Franklin Walbert Stimulator I have ever used, seen, or been around." Nelson noted that the buttons on the contraption were still in tact, and that brutal force electroshock therapy can still be applied with the Franklin Walbert Stimulator just as it was when his father first began using it during top secret tests on chimps.
Nelson said he will sell the device, weight approximately 65 pounds, for five dollars and seventy five cents. Nelson confirmed that he'd be willing to open up bids prior to the yard sale, but that those visits must be made in person at his residence. Nelson also requests that should you decide to bid in person, that you bring with you one rose and a small container of whipped butter. Nelson will supply the rest, he said.
If the Franklin Walbert Stimulator does not sell, he said, there are chances he will be arrested and incarcerated for possessing a banned device. And that is exactly what he hopes avoiding by ridding himself of his Franklin Walbert Stimulator.
Also notable: His collection of blow up dolls inspired by Mary Todd Lincoln will be on display. Nelson still has not decided if they will be sold, but he certainly said his collection is big enough to brag about.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Tata joins Largent for annual Global Warming celebration
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| An artist used blue pen for a graphic representation of yesterday's events |
Tata addressed the crowd of Bellicosians concerning the success of global warming. Tata said, "It's my pleasure to be able to be here today and tell you, once again, global warming has destroyed more lives and upended more land." Tata thanked Lla Energia's CEO, D. Erthy Mann, for his "years of service to destroying the planet earth and inflaming people's livers with questionably processed byproducts of 20th century energy technology."
The event began with the "flaming of the torch" march through Bellicose Junction's main street, Apple Eye. Traditionally, the person who was most affected by earth changes over the past year leads the procession. For the 96th time, Old Man Whipple was the front of the pack, boasting the most heartache from natural disasters yet again in 2013. Whipple's cottage was decimated by simultaneous earth changes on June 10, 2013, when a tornado struck the front portion of his abode while a lightning bolt set fire to his outhouse and clothes line. At the same time, a small 1.3 magnitude earthquake was felt on the fault line that lays directly below the property where his cottage once was, although officials did not relate the quake to global changes.
In years past, Hank's Family Deli was used for the dinner, but with a massive wildfire taking out Hank's bar in 2012, another venue had to be chosen. A dinner of Lla Meat was served at the exclusive Lla Meaty restaurant, and a private party was thrown in the Mayor's residence. A truck delivering servants from the Philippines arrived at 7pm to tend to the party goers needs.
The Mayor ended the day's festivities with an address to Bellicose Junction residents. Largent said, "People of the junction, it's time to cut as many trees down and burn as many fossil fuels in our small community as we can in 2014! It's time to turn the future into a heated cauldron of acid rain and waste!" After a brief applause, the final tradition took place: The Mangling of the Dove. Largent and Tata allowed a dove to go free from a cage--the dove had clipped wings and was not able to get off the ground. It suffered a brutal end for the hundreds applauding as it was devoured by a wolf.
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